Lz and B left for their lower North Island and South Island road trip yesterday so the house is feeling quiet today. I sleep in and then spend the morning just lounging about. It’s very relaxing after such a busy few days.

Today is Oncology with Dr Sk at the private clinic. My private consultations will be on Wednesdays which will confuse me for awhile as I’m so used to them being on Thursdays in public. We have just seen Dr Sk last Thursday and I already know about my PD-L1 results so I’m not expecting much today. I say to Susannah on the way there that it will be a short appointment. But yet again I’m wrong. Dr Sk tells me that my most recent blood tests have shown that my liver function has sharply declined. She calls it liver derangement. I say that it is a bit weird to have a deranged liver and we laugh about medical choice of language. The upshot is, Dr Sk thinks my liver function has been negatively impacted by the Gemcitabine part of the chemo. If my liver function does not bounce back then they will have to reduce the dose of Gemcitabine, or possibly even cease treatment. We will have to wait for the results of my next blood test on Friday before a decision will be made. I should still be able to continue with the Carboplatin part of the chemotherapy, but I know that the two drugs are given together for a reason, so my chances of getting a positive outcome with just one part of the cocktail will be much less. Fuck. 

Dr Sk then asks about support. She knows we have great family surrounding us but asks about other avenues of support. We talk about groups and counselling and then she suggests referring us to hospice. Susannah can’t hold back her tears. I understand what Dr Sk is trying to do. She is trying to help us prepare in advance so we won’t be at a loss later, but I’m so not ready for this. It is just so confronting. I accept her referral though as I know it makes sense. So, someone from North Shore Hospice will get in touch with us shortly to arrange a home visit. I can’t help but wonder if my liver derangement and referral to hospice are connected.

Shit just got real.