Back to cancer reality. Today is my right side axilla node biopsy. I took a zopiclone last night as I knew I wouldn’t sleep without it. I feel rested but still not 100% well. I tested negative yesterday but do another test when I get up. Negative. No Covid. That’s good. Off to the hospital we go. That’s not so good. I clutch Spital to my chest as we drive there. 

Susannah is allowed in the room for the procedure. We are in the Radiology Department instead of the Breast Care Department but other than that everything is exactly the same as when I had my original left breast and node biopsy in May last year. I watch on the monitor as the doctor guides the ultrasound wand over my right armpit. At first I think he is not able to find anything to biopsy as he seems to be taking a long time, but then I see the exact moment when he finds the node, both on screen and in his body language. Up until this point I have been doing ok but suddenly a few rogue tears escape me and slide down my cheeks. Susannah wipes them gently away and holds my hand. I stare at the ceiling and try not to think about what is going on.

Dr JYk, the Registrar who does the biopsy, seems new and a little uncertain but he has his Consultant, Dr LK, observe and instruct him. Dr JYk uses an instrument that I can’t see from my position to seemingly whisk around inside my node and suck up a sample which he then places on a slide for the pathologist to view. She studies it for a moment then gives the go ahead so they take two large samples using the needle biopsy technique. From the sound of it I imagine it to be like an internal hole punch but I can’t see it and I don’t feel anything.

Dr LK, unconcerned that I am still in the room, is keen on explaining something about what can be seen on my slide to Dr JYk, I strain to hear but at this precise moment the Nurse begins to chat, so I can’t make out what is said. My two samples are taken for testing. I forget to ask when the results will be in.

The reality of my situation hits hard after the distraction of holiday festivities. I begin to feel overwhelmed. I’m tired and I physically don’t feel great. My mental health is also questionable. When we get home I lie in bed for a few hours, trying to rest. I can’t believe I have gone full circle and am now back to waiting for biopsy results. I feel like I’ve spent 8 months struggling to climb to the top of a huge mountain only to find myself right back at the bottom, fatigued and in poorer condition.

This is torture.