Despite another zopiclone night I do not sleep at all and wake up feeling, sad, angry, and sick. Oh yay, all the feels. This sucks. I’m not up to doing much today. 

A lovely lady calls from Sweet Louise, a support group for people living with incurable cancer. We have a chat about the kinds of support they can offer. I find myself choking up and bursting into tears a couple of times on the phone with her as I tell my story but I explain that it’s just the steroids, I’m doing ok and it’ll pass. She is lovely and asks what can you do for yourself today? I decide to go for a walk, so in the afternoon Susannah and I head out to Kendall Bay. The track down is quite steep and halfway there is a detour to a lookout which we also walk up. I walk slowly but manage it and am very pleased. I’m actually doing much better walking than on the previous chemotherapies – I hope I can keep it up. 

The beach is empty, the tide is out and it’s a bit breezy so we just sit for awhile. I tell Susannah about something I read in The Resilience Toolkit book this morning – it was talking about finding a happy, safe place in your mind. The premise is simple: walk yourself to a quiet place in your mind. Allow yourself to feel at peace and safe here. Focus on the space you are creating. What do you see around you? What are the smells, sounds and view? Smell it, hear it, feel it. 

The instructions add in more detail so essentially one is able to find a specific spot within the scene, a favourite spot, the best spot, in which to retreat or to find haven. I liked this process very much, and of course in my mind I created a beach scene. It is reminiscent of my Taha Wairua scene in my Te Whare Tapa Whā art project. As we sit at on the beach at Kendall Bay, I run my fingers though the sand and feel the heat of the sun and listen to the waves lapping the shore. 

I breathe it all in and add it to my special, happy place.