After a two week break Art Therapy is on again. Today we continue our Te Whare Tapa Whā box project. This week the theme is Taha Wairua which can be viewed as spirituality or connection. My spiritual side is my connection to nature and the Universe and is one of respect and admiration. There is massive scope with this and the concept is one I struggle to express visually. I draw a beach scene but find my coloured pencils very restrictive. I can’t create the layers I want or add white foam to the waves. I’m not satisfied with it and re-do it in watercolour later.

What I want to represent is the great power of the ocean and the fluidity of the landscape. The waves crest and break, the tides rise and fall, the clouds race across the sky, the light constantly alters. I am not in my picture. I am the viewer, mindfully observing the ever changing landscape around me. I am a part of it in that very instance, but also completely separate from it as it will continue to evolve whether I am there to see it or not. 

The scene I draw is impermanent. So am I.

In the afternoon I have an appointment with Br for Physio. A strange thing happens in the waiting room. The person ahead of me at the reception recognises me and greets me by name. I am caught off guard as I try to figure out where I should know her from. She kindly helps me out. I do not know her but she has read my blog. She goes to the gym with one of my cousins and he has shared it with her. I am both flattered and embarrassed. I do like that she makes contact – I think as cancer warriors we could all do with a little more contact with each other.

Br is very pleased with my progress, as am I. I tell her that I have been seeing Ctr for Physio in the public system as well. I ask Br to concentrate on the scar tissue and the cording in my left arm which I feel is holding my progress back a bit. She goes hard with some massage and it hurts like hell but I know that the cording needs to go if I am to regain full movement. We also talk about the lack of strength on my left side. As Br puts it – the big muscle in your back that used to do all the work isn’t there anymore. Of course, that muscle is now masquerading as a mini breast at the front. So I basically have to train the other back muscles to take its place.

Back home everything hurts. I feel a bit like a piece of kitset furniture that’s been put together incorrectly. The few extra pieces that were on the floor after my assembly have been discarded. So now I have to make do with being a piece of wonky furniture.