Today we see Dr MP about my MRI.  I think this is just a formality. She’ll go over the MRI report and take a look at my radiation site. My skin has healed beautifully so this appointment can likely mean I can cancel the radiation follow up appointment that is scheduled for next week.

We go in. She asks how I am and I say, not so good. I explain that I have seen the biopsy results on my health app so I know the cancer has spread to my lymph node, but that still no one has called to go over the results and what they mean for me.  I also tell her that my Jan 18 appointment has been rescheduled to Feb 22 so I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Dr MP is horrified. She offers to call Dr Sk to see if she can find out what is happening. She then proceeds to talk about my MRI. She tells me that carcinomas have also been found in my spine. What? I am completely blindsided by this news as Dr MMc had indicated the MRI was ok. Fuck, it’s everywhere, I say.

Dr MP explains as much as she can and I take the opportunity to ask her about potential radiation treatments for the new areas of cancer. In terms of next steps though, I really need to talk to Medical Oncology.

As we stand to leave Dr MP says again how sorry she is. She then dives in for a group hug like a rugby player into a scrum. All 5 foot nothing of her, head down, hugging Susannah and me at the same time. This triggers both of us to tears. Dr MP leads us into an empty consultation room and asks the receptionist to give us tea. Stay as long as you like, she says. We definitely need some recovery time. About 10 minutes later she pops her head in and tells us that she has spoken to Dr Sk who will see me in her private practice tomorrow at 5pm to pick up my case again. I am very grateful to Dr MP, both for her kindness and her thoroughness.

Susannah and I leave the clinic and decide to go to Takapuna for a walk along the beach. I am not ready to go home yet. My sister C is visiting Mum today so I message her and ask her to let me know when she has arrived. Susannah and I will break the news to them together. Sister K is at work so I text her and ask when she will be home and if I can pop over later.

We begin the horrible process of sharing bad news again. At one point as I tell her about the spread of the disease K asks why are you smiling? (I hadn’t realised I was). Otherwise I’ll cry, I answer. It’s hard to know what to say. Right now all I know for sure is that at some stage the bitch Big Betty sent out her spawn and they hitched a ride around my lymphatic system, jumping off and setting up camp in my right axilla node, my liver and my spine. It’s absolutely terrible news and to say it out loud is gut wrenching.

In the evening I get two calls. The first is from Beyond Radiology to schedule a pelvic scan. It was ordered in October through the public health system and has now been outsourced. I have no idea why I need a pelvic san but I book in anyway. The second is from North Shore Hospital. I think it’s going to be someone to inform me of my results or to reschedule my Oncology appointment but it isn’t. It’s the Interventional Radiology Department. They have a cancellation and would like to schedule the removal of my port for Monday morning. Oh, the irony! I’ve been waiting for this appointment since the beginning of November and it was supposed to signify the end of chemotherapy, the closure of that chapter in my life. I take the appointment but think to myself that I might be needing the port after all. I’ll find out tomorrow when I talk to Dr Sk. In this case though the slow speed of the hospital may well work in my favour. For once.