Today is Portacath Day. I’m not entirely sure what is involved, but as I understand it I am to have a small device implanted under the skin in my chest that will provide permanent access to one of my veins. This will be used for chemotherapy instead of having to have a line inserted in my forearm each time. Great in theory, scary in reality.

Not only that but today Susannah has scheduled an Ultrasound for herself. After my experience she wants to get checked out, to be certain that everything is ok. Dr Y couldn’t find anything during a physical exam and Susannah had a clean mammogram in January this year but we all know how that can turn out. We tell ourselves it’s precautionary.

I set an alarm to stop eating and drinking by 9:30am as per hospital instructions and manage to have a banana and some coffee before it goes off. I am quite nervous. Susannah takes me to the hospital and we locate the Advanced Radiology Department. We are early but they are ready for me so I hug Susannah goodbye, get led into a cubicle and change into a gown. The male nurse, L, is very kind as he explains what will happen next. Dr Pt comes in and goes through the procedure with me. My eyes leak a little as I start to feel the reality of it all but I manage to pull myself together and stop the tears.

I walk into the operating theatre and get on the bed as instructed. They prod, pull, and get me set me up for the operation which includes covering my head with a kind of sterile paper. My head is turned to the left so I can only see out a small window through the paper tunnel. Nurse L holds my hand and I am given a sedative to help me relax. I can’t see but I can hear everything. Dr Pt is explaining the procedure to a trainee doctor and says something like stab the vein. Stab. Oh great. There is some intense pressure and pushing but there is no pain. After about 20 minutes they are finished. I go back to the recovery cubicle and am told to rest for about 40 mins. It is done.

Susannah picks me up and we go home. I am very tired and feel a bit beaten up. I still have massive bruising on my left breast from the biopsy. Now the right side of my chest has been cut. I don’t know what the portacath insertion looks like as it’s covered with a dressing. It feels sore already though.

Later that evening Susannah gets a text from Dr Y who says she would like to talk to her at around 2pm tomorrow about her scan. OMG this can’t be happening. Not to both of us.

We are emotionally drained. This is just too stressful. When will it end?