I spend most of the night trying to get comfortable and trying not to think. At about 6am I give up and have coffee. I have read the material that Dr Sk gave us on chemo but I still can’t imagine what it’s going to be like.

We head to the hospital for the 8:30am appointment. Susannah seems really stressed again today. I have jitters – like pre-race nerves. We get to the Infusion Ward on time and are warmly greeted by Bx who is one of the Oncology Clinical Nurse Specialists. She has been assigned to me and clearly was expecting me as she knows who I am before I even say my name. It feels very reassuring to not just be an NHI Number.

We pick a chemo station and I sit in the big reclining chair. Susannah sits on a visitor’s chair beside me. I don’t know what to expect but the nurses talk me through everything. The nurse looking after me today is efficient but friendly and I like her immediately. After observing the action in the room, Susannah whispers you got the best nurse. I agree. My portacath gets used for the first time with an IV line. It hurts when the needle goes in, but once the needle has been inserted it feels more comfortable than the lines in my arms that I’ve had over the last 3 weeks.

Other patients arrive over the next couple of hours. Mostly they are in our age range but there is one woman who is alone who looks to be in her early 40s and another woman who is turning 87 (we heard her birth date). The older lady looks and sounds amazing and has a feisty, irreverent attitude. I think this is why she has survived through her 9 cycles of chemo. She’s taking cancer on! I hope she kicks its butt. I hope I do as well as her.

Several different bags of IV fluid are hooked up to me – 3 pre-med bags of anti-nausea drugs, antacid drugs, and sedatives, with saline flush in between each one. Then a test portion of the chemo drug Paclitaxel is hooked up. They test two portions in succession with my nurse sitting by my side. This is to gauge whether or not I have an allergic reaction. They call it a graded challenge. I don’t have any reaction so away we go with the remainder of the dose. Mentally, I tell Big Betty to Fuck Off – I want this chemo to kill that bitch. And her offspring.

Susannah and I play chess to pass the time. Lastly there is another flush and finally I’m done. The whole process takes about 4.5 hours, in part due to the graded challenge but also I think because they are short staffed. I am told that next week will be similar but then the weeks following should be much shorter and more routine.

The part that strikes me as odd is when Bx goes through my paperwork and shows me my chemo log. She says this is where your treatment is logged, for the rest of your life. For the rest of my life? That’s very heavy. Also WTF? It’s only a small book, don’t they need more pages? I actually find this kind of funny.

We go home and I rest for a little bit. I feel ok and this is surprising. I’m wondering what tomorrow will bring in terms of side effects. Currently I have no appointments scheduled until the next chemo on Thursday, apart from blood tests which have to be done every Wednesday. It’ll be nice to try to get back into some kind of routine. I crave normality.

I feel calmer now that treatment has started.