I have a whole new combo of Oxy’s to help wth the pain. I take them reluctantly. I worked so hard to get off them after my back operation but now I wonder why I bothered. It seems they are part of my destiny. At least they help. I’m feeling much better today.

First job this morning is to go to the camera store. I have arranged to trade in most of my Olympus camera gear and make an upgrade to only 2 lenses. I am buying one wide angle lens and one telephoto (12mm f2 M43 and 300mm f4 M43 – for those in the know). These two lenses will get me birding photography and astrophotography. Almost everything else I generally shoot on my Sony RX100 point and shoot which is small, light and pocketable, but has great quality. The new long lens in particular is one that I’ve wanted now since I switched to Olympus about 8 years ago. It’s always been out of budget but the trade in coupled with my I don’t give a fuck attitude just put it on the buy now list. After all, what am I waiting for? 

An interesting side effect of having a terminal diagnosis is immediately stopping procrastinating. I’ve generally had goal, budget, plan, but now, there is no waiting. What would I be waiting for? I’ve withdrawn and closed my KiwiSaver, which wasn’t huge because I’ve only been in the programme for 4 years. That money was supposed to be for my retirement. My retirement, short as it may be, is now. So, retirement fund now becomes bucket list fund, and I’m going to have a little bit of fun, while I can.

In the afternoon I go to Henderson to have my CT-CAP scan. My friend CO texted me last night to say that he will be doing the scan as he works there. I’m ok with that as I trust him, but I just hope he doesn’t say what he sees happening in my body. I only want to hear it from Dr Sk.

The scan itself is uneventful and it’s nice to see CO. He tells me his mother died of cancer today 11 years ago. I’m not sure why he tells me that. It seems odd and a bit inappropriate but obviously he is going through something so I let it go.

People have the weirdest reactions to cancer. They just don’t know what to say so sometimes the strangest things come out. I’m not offended by most of it – I’d prefer people say something, anything, rather than nothing, even if the words come out all wrong. Perhaps we can laugh about it! I’m lucky, I’ve had great support from friends and family. People have stepped up and been there for me. Some, I never expected, and that’s been amazing. I’m so grateful to you – I hope you know who you are. Other friends have quietly disappeared, not called or even texted. I think it’s too hard for them. I choose not to be upset by that. As human beings, we are flawed, and in the end we all just do the best we can.