I wake at about 4am and can’t get back to sleep. Despite this I do feel rested and my stress level feels lower than the past few days, I guess because this cycle of tests is over.  I feel like I have more energy than I have had over the past week or so. My Aunt L pops over and it’s nice to see her but after her visit I am tired again. My sister K comes over at about 2:30 and we spend a few hours sitting outside by the fire. I really, really enjoy this time and am able to converse normally about my cancer without getting upset. I realise that I really need my sisters around me at this time. They want to do something to help, but really I just want them to be there, to talk to, and to help with Mum. I think Mum needs some help coping.

Today day is a good day in the greater scheme of things and we inhabit our space and make it ours. We do a bit more unpacking and sorting and clear a few more boxes. I decide to give away my guitar. My guitar is a 1970s made-in-Japan Yamaha Red label classic, given to me by Hase, my old boyfriend in Japan. Despite my best intentions I have never learned to play but it has great sentimental value so I have carried it with me from Japan to Canada to NZ. I have never been able to part with it but feel now is the time to release it. I post on the family chat and get responses from my same age cousins, A and B. B is my closest cousin as we grew up together and had many youthful adventures. A came along a bit later and was a bit of a third wheel at that time. However, in the last few years, since returning to NZ in 2019, I have had the chance to get to know A as an adult and I really like the man he has become. He has played cat sitter for us on numerous occasions and we (and the cats) have been very happy. I decide to gift the guitar to A but am very unhappy about having to make a choice between cousins, both of whom I love dearly.

Not too many tears today and a bit of relaxation – definitely a win.