We’ve made it through the week to another weekend. I open my eyes to find Susannah lying next to me sobbing quietly. The mornings are difficult for her as she wakes earlier than me and is then presented with more thinking time. I don’t find the mornings too bad – Betty doesn’t hurt too much yet although she’s now grown so much that she’s extremely uncomfortable by the end of each day. I feel fairly rested now. I enjoy watching the world lighten and the cluster of Kauri trees outside the bedroom go from black silhouettes to light coloured trunks. I always try to say Good Morning to the biggest Kauri to acknowledge and appreciate it.

Susannah and I cuddle for awhile then decide to go outside with coffee and listen to the morning birdsong. It’s serene and really beautiful. So beautiful that it makes me cry. It’s not just that I’m sad. I’m hyper aware of the beauty of the world in front of me and it hurts. I want to drink it all in.

We have a morning fire which is a really lovely way to start the day. Our conversation becomes riddled with laughter and I marvel at how we can still find humour in the world. I think Shakespeare was right – life is best portrayed as either comedy or tragedy.

Today’s task is pre-chemo blood tests. After that we drive to Sylvia Park to return some jackets at Macpac. I’d ordered size 12 online but they were swimming on me so I wanted to exchange them for size 10. I cannot remember the last time I was a size 10 but I’ve lost some weight with the stress. We end up at Japan Mart where we reminisce about our life in Kyoto, Japan where we met in 2002. We buy nostalgic Japanese goods before heading home. I am knackered and have a quick power nap. 

I pull out our camera gear and start looking through it, trying to decide what to sell. Photography and Videography have been things Susannah and I have done throughout our relationship – photography was my full time occupation in Canada for about 15 years and I just LOVED it. It strikes me that we may never go on photo adventures together again. This is depressing. I feel like I am shutting down aspects of my life. Preparing for when I’m no longer here.

Today’s Haiku:

Closing doors on past
Experiences. No more.
There is only now.