I slept! I actually cannot remember the last time I woke feeling well rested and recharged. It feels amazing! I’m in a bit of pain as am a couple of hours late taking my morning painkiller. My pain is now a constant dull ache in my armpit and the top of my breast as well as the random sharp shooting pains. I pop an OxyNorm as a quick fix top up. I go all floaty as the drug hits my system and the pain subsides.

Today is our house warming party. Neither of us feel particularly social, but we have committed and I really want to do this. I want to get the awkwardness of first greetings and lingering hugs over with so we can all get back to normal. I’m not sure what normal is for me anymore but I want to feel comfortable around my family. I also want to fill the house with good vibes and positive, loving energy.

K and H are first to arrive. We crank up the fire and sit outside. Next to join are S and Ch. Awkward greetings over with, it’s lovely to see them and we chat and laugh as we normally would. Slowly other family join until we have about 12 people around our wee fire pit. The fire is mesmerising and a great focal point. No one shows any movement towards the indoors so we reluctantly turn the fire off and herd them in.

We move upstairs to Mum’s section of the house and the chaos begins. There are about 20 people which is a medium sized gathering for our family. People sprawl everywhere and there are multiple competing conversations across the room. Our pot luck dinner with an Asian theme is amazing – we always eat well at these gatherings as we are a family of foodies. K has stepped out of her comfort zone and has done a spectacular job of desserts. I drink wine, sit quietly and breathe it all in. Family is good. No one talks cancer and it is very refreshing.

I forget to take my anti nausea pill before dinner so midway through I head downstairs. Susannah follows to check on me. There is music on and Vance Joy’s I’m With You is playing. We hold each other close and sway to the beautiful love song. Susannah begins to cry. I hold her closer. I don’t think I’ve ever loved her more than I do at this precise moment in time. Every moment together seems so precious now.

We head back upstairs to the party. I drink a little too much but am pleased that I am able to eat and drink with everyone and also manage to stay awake the entire time. After all the goodbyes are done and the room has emptied, the sense of impending loss returns. I embrace Susannah and start to weep. Aunt L comes back inside to get something she’s forgotten and sees us. She asks if she can give me a hug. I say an emphatic no. I want to retreat, to hide. My emotions are too powerful right now and I can no longer contain them.