I get up just before 6am. It’s early but I don’t mind as at least I can have coffee – there is to be no eating or drinking (other then clear fluids) from about 7:20am today so I will be able to get one or two cups of the vital brown liquid into me before then.

Today is Monday. It’s my niece E’s 21st Birthday – Happy Birthday E! You have grown into a lovely young woman and I am very glad to be your Auntie. 

It’s odd thinking that the world is just ticking along normally for other people. This morning reality hits and neither Susannah or I like what we see. Today is a Full Body CT scan to see if the cancer has spread. The results of this scan will determine the next steps and probably also my prognosis. Susannah is working today so she can save her sick and domestic leave days for when they really count. Mum is taking me to the hospital. I try to pretend that it’s just another scan – Mum took me to several last year for my back – but who am I kidding. Susannah wishes me luck just before I leave and then chastises herself – what a stupid thing to say! I know what she means – luck will have nothing to do with the outcome today. It’s already been decided – this scan will reveal the cards that I have been dealt. I get the sentiment though, and in any case, what the hell is someone supposed to say in this situation? We hug and whisper I love you instead.

Mum chatters all the way to the hospital – she’s not so good at comfortable silence. It’s ok though and although I’m not feeling very social I try to respond appropriately. We arrive at Radiology early but they are running right on time so there’s not much wait time. Mum goes to get a coffee and I am escorted into the back area. I change into a gown and the nurse gives me 2 glasses of water before inserting a line into my right forearm. My veins decide to do one of their mysterious disappearing acts so she misses the first time but manages to catch one before it wiggles away the second time. This is a frequent problem with me and my immediate family – goddamn genetics! 

I am ushered into the CT room, lie down on the scanner bed and raise my arms above my head. The scans don’t take very long and they don’t hurt at all – there’s just a weird feeling of warmth that runs through my entire body after the contrast dye is injected. It makes me feel like I’m peeing, even though I’m not. Afterwards I have to wait 20 minutes to make sure I don’t have the 1 in 700,000 bad reaction and then I am able to leave. On the way home I check my email and find I have been scheduled for another appointment on Wednesday – this one for Breast Clipping. So that’s 4 days in a row at the hospital. When we get home I go back to my hidey-hole downstairs. I’m not much in the mood for company or conversation. I do want to be near Susannah though so I go into her office and hang out for awhile. I am a bit weepy.

I thought I would work this afternoon but I am emotionally drained. It all feels so surreal. Like it’s not really happening.

We watch a little brain numbing TV in the evening and go to bed early. I’m done.