I am sitting in the recliner in the bedroom when Dr Y calls. I can tell she doesn’t want to be the one to tell me. I have Breast Cancer and it’s spread to at least one lymph node. I am so shocked I can only say ok. But it’s not ok. It sounds very bad. I don’t know if anything will ever be ok again. I don’t cry. I am numb. After the call ends I sit and rock in the armchair and wait for Susannah to finish her meeting and come find me. When she comes into the room I smile weakly. I tell her and she bursts into tears and hugs me tight. Seeing her in such pain breaks my heart. This hurts more than the news. 

I call in sick for work. I talk to my Team Leader Mk, and tell him I have cancer. The words are weird and don’t feel real. He does not know what to say. What is there to say?

The Breast Clinic calls and I get a surgeon’s consultation for Wednesday. I am now classed as P1 – high priority. This scares the shit out of me.

Later Susannah and I go upstairs and tell Mum we need to talk. I ask her to sit down. She jokes – it’s that serious is it? She has no idea. I watch her face crumble as I tell her. Trying to be positive she says At least you made it further than your father. Dad died of cancer at 33. I’m not dead yet! I say. It’s kind of funny. Except it’s not.

Still later I tell my sisters via video call. They seem shocked and don’t know what to say either. It’s all so totally unexpected.

Afterwards I cry. I am spent.