On the way to the hospital to see the Breast Surgeon Susannah and I chat about our life in Canada (we lived there from 2003-2019) and what life now feels like after nearly 4 years in NZ. I think it’s a good thing we came here as the medical system is free, the hospital is nearby, and I know we have lots of support with the whanau. With the house purchase we also have a beautiful home base in which to rest and recover. Yes, agrees Susannah, it’s perfect. Not exactly the right choice of words but I know what she means. We laugh about it.

We get to the hospital about 10 minutes early and are ushered into a consultation room where we wait. And wait. The waiting is interminable. I am super glad that Dr Y already told me that I had cancer. Otherwise I think I would be throwing up with anxiety. The door is open and a few patients pass by, going in and out. There are a variety of people, different ages, some with their person, others alone. I am very grateful to have Susannah here. I hope the people going solo at least have someone they can talk to. This is stressful.

I meet with Dr H and Breast Nurse Specialist Ch. They are part of the team dealing with my case. I have a team! They tell me I have Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma (IDC).  I hear them say Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Big scary words. Luckily I have been researching and am familiar with some of the terms they are using. They make sense but even so it’s a lot of information. Susannah asks questions and records notes for us to review later.

The tumour is 6cm – wait – 6cm? 3 weeks ago it was less than 5cm. It’s aggressive and growing fast. I already know this, I can feel it. The lump is now bigger and more apparent than before. The doctor says this could in part be due to the biopsy creating inflammation, but shit, it’s happening fast. Dr Google said I would have surgery and I am prepared for this but Dr H suggests I will have chemo first to try to shrink the tumour and attack any other rogue cancer cells in my body. I am worried about what could happen during this time. Could the tumour keep growing? It’s already in my lymph nodes. Could it spread further? It’s all bit overwhelming. 

The Consulting Surgeon in charge is Dr S and although her name is on the door I do not meet her until the end of the consultation. She reassures me that the team are on my side and that she will do my surgery in about 4 months. In the interim, chemo will melt my tumour like butter, she says, making it much smaller and less invasive to remove. i will also need to have a bunch of preliminary scans and procedures to capture baselines and to get ready for chemo.

We go home and talk. My sister C is upstairs with Mum so we give them a summary of the appointment. Nurse Ch had suggested that we get a spokesperson so we don’t have to deal with repeating information to people and fielding questions. Susannah asks my sister C to start a chat group for the family where updates can be posted but to leave us out of it. One less thing to worry about. Nurse Ch had a bunch of very helpful support information and suggestions. Another that resonated was making a list of things we need help with and things we don’t. We may do this too, I think.

I feel a bit better about what is happening. There is a plan. It seems like the tests and procedures that I need before chemo will happen over the next couple of weeks so we do have a bit of time before it gets real. I feel relief.

The Radiology Department calls in the afternoon to schedule a breast MRI for Tuesday. Ok. Here we go. 

I’m so tired I do nothing for the rest of the day and go to bed early. I don’t quite know how to process the day. It is a lot.