Finally a decent sleep! I resolve to take more zopiclone after chemo. I can’t function without sleep and it definitely makes it more difficult to cope emotionally.

My CAP-CT scan is scheduled for 7am this morning so H picks me up at 6:30am. So early! I guess they just slot me in where they could again. We get there on time, in fact we are the first ones to arrive and have to ding the bell at the counter as no-one is there to help us. H heads for a coffee while he waits. The CT process is now very familiar to me and I’m not too stressed. I feel a bit like I’m going round in circles as I’ve been in this situation before. I’m am resigned to my fate at this point.

Haiku 8

Once again I wait
A test will seal my fate
I can do NOTHING

Back at home C comes over to help Mum with some fix-it stuff. I am able to chat for awhile but around midday everything catches up with me. I disappear for a nap but am not able to sleep. Instead I find tears streaming down my face at a prolific rate. I don’t know what’s wrong. I howl. I feel so wretched. I am so alone and it seems that everyone around me is just carrying on their normal lives while mine is completely shattered.

I’m not ok with the scan and impending implications of it. Not ok at all. I’m terrified.