I don’t take a blood pressure pill today and am not dizzy. Mum takes me to the Beachhaven lab to get my weekly blood tests. I forget my blood test request form so we have to go back home to get it. I blame chemo brain. Nowadays I seem to be unable to concentrate or keep a train of thought alive. After the test I go to the Pharmacy and collect a plethora of new medications for the next round of chemo. I think over the last 18 months I must be one of their most frequent customers. The Pharmacist, Sp, and I are on first name basis now. While I’m there I ask them to take my blood pressure. It’s normal. We go home and I take it again. Normal. So either the blood pressure tablets are working or my BP just goes crazy at the hospital. Could it be White Jacket syndrome?

I have my second counselling session with Lr. I feel I’m in a much better space than last time but I still find myself crying. What sets me off? Talking about losing my life. I don’t mean death, just everything in my life changing so much that I feel like I’m not living my life, but someone else’s. The other topic we discuss is my anxiety. Lr describes anxiety as a secondary emotion and asks me what I think is behind it. What are the triggers and primary emotions? I can’t answer this as I don’t really know myself so I am going to think on it until our next session. We also talk about mindfulness, being in the present, and she gives me some tools and techniques to work with. I’m still not sure how useful these sessions are, but I will keep going with them.

K comes over around 4pm. I am asleep when she arrives – tiredness overtakes me each afternoon lately. We have tea and chat and I really enjoy the visit. With treatment changing tomorrow I don’t know it will affect me and how social I’ll feel, but I do enjoy visitors as they get me out of my own headspace.