I wake with a feeling of dissatisfaction. No, it’s more than that. I’m pissed off. I’m sick of cancer, I hate Betty, I’m angry that my life has been destroyed. I feel like the hospital team have made the wrong choices for me and as a result I am heading further and further away from cure. There is nowhere for these feelings to go and nothing good that will come from them. I can’t bottle them up though so I quietly cry them out.

I decide to do an Andrew Johnson meditation to try to change my mindset. I queue one up on my iPhone, put my headphones on and allow myself to relax. Halfway through the phone rings, destroying my meditative state. I answer, thinking it may be the hospital. No, it’s the WWF soliciting for money. After the caller has delivered her opening spiel I ask if she’s ringing to get donations. She replies that she’s giving people the opportunity to become Animal Welfare Superstars. Sorry, I interrupt, I’m not working, I’ve got cancer and I can’t help. Here endeth the conversation. Clearly Carcinoma has taken over and she has no patience today.

Back to the start with Andrew Johnson. I get about halfway through once again and the cats decide they want in to the bedroom. They take turns thumping on the door with their whole body weight to try to open it. I attempt to ignore them and stay in my light trance state but it’s impossible. I give up. The futility of it all does make me laugh though and I do feel better. Job done. Thanks, my Therapy Kittens.

I get up and decide to make cheese scones, another favourite food, for lunch. I also make naan bread and dahl for dinner tonight. I enjoy bread making and baking and resolve to do more of it if I can. I think I like it because it’s so tactile – the kneading and nurturing of dough is almost meditative.

I take a scone upstairs for Mum and help her with a couple of things she needs fixing. She seems in a much better mood today so maybe she was just tired. I struggle as I am a bit wobbly. I feel quite dizzy and weak. I manage to complete the tasks, then go downstairs and hang out in the sunroom for awhile. I feel like I’m going to faint so I quietly head to bed for a bit of a rest. I’m not sure what’s going on. I took a blood pressure tablet this morning – could it be that? Or is it the cancer? Who knows? Either way, I feel like crap.

In the evening I text K and ask how Mum had seemed when she popped in on Saturday. K makes a few cryptic comments that I’m not able to interpret. Something’s going on, but I just don’t have the energy for any drama today. I really don’t. I’ll park it for now and see what happens.

Susannah is swamped by work and does a bit of overtime. When she’s done we eat and watch TV. We don’t talk much as we are each back in our own separate worlds that don’t overlap. I hate this.